This topic actually came up when I was having a discussion about life with a friend of mine from college (Thyagesh). It has been close to 5 years now after we had the conversation now and it has had a very pleasant effect on my life.
Let me set the context here I am not talking about any action towards others which have the following attributes
- Someone pays you to do something ( Job, Contract )
- There is a direct & immediate tangible return for you (money, fame etc..) to do that action
- You do something out of fear
There is an important criteria what action qualifies for discussion below. I define it as – "Any action done for no direct benefit to the doer but for the person to whom this is being done for".
Some examples to make this very clear
- I take a relative of mine to the doctor when he is sick
- I take care of my neighbour's dog while they are out of town.
- I guide a colleague when he is stuck in work late night by sitting with him to fix an issue.
- I take my brother-in-law for some examination
- Taking my parents to a temple
- Giving money to my domestic help for her kid's education
- Helping ease out traffic at neighbourhood junction
- Giving money to an orphanage
Please note that none of the actions listed above have a direct benefit to the doer (i.e. me).
In general in our daily life there is a good probability that everything we do for others is categorised by us mentally as a Help we have done the other person.
The thought is pretty simple, when we do an action for somebody else it falls under one the following 3 categories.
- Duty
- Obligation
- Charity
Let me explain each one of them in detail
Duty – This is something which I have to do for others regardless of what or how I feel about it. These are defined by ourselves .So simply you go ahead and do it when these action present themselves in front of us. Examples of them are
- Taking care of my sick parents
- Educating my kids
- Voting on election day
Obligation – This is something which I have to do for others but I make it clear to them that it is an obligation and I expect something in return. Examples of them are
- When my neighbour asks me to take of his dog instead of quietly accepting and doing it I make it clear ti him – "Sure I can do that. It is little difficult but I am sure you will take of receiving the courier when I am out of town and you would not mind me giving you contact number"
- Help a colleague at work but tell him "I can help you with but you will need to help me out next week with the assignment – right?"
The basic point is when you are doing an obligation, make sure the other person has to return the favour in explicit terms. In corporate terminology "Set expectations explicitly and clearly"
Charity – This is an activity which we do and should not expect anything in return and is done of sheer free will. Note this is different from Duty in that there is no external requirement to this activity.
- Helping out a neighbour drop the kid at school
- Taking out my wife's uncle for a shopping who is visiting from out of town.
- Giving money to my driver when his father is sick
Now that we have defined the 3 categories, we need to deal with them. We should be careful in life never to mix the categories which lead us to heartburns, disappointments and spoilt relationships.
It is a simple 2 step process
- Before doing any activity for others categorize mentally into one of the 3 buckets and do it.
- This is the most important step – Do not mix the items in the bucket after the activity is done ever in the future.
The tough part is that there are activities which can qualify as under any of the above, so it is up to each individual to classify it accordingly. For example I can say that "Doing the laundry or the vessels" is an obligation to my wife ( ok I am going to get a talk about this statement with my wife) but on the other hand I can also classify it as a duty as a husband or a father.
So you need to be clear in your mind on how you are doing the categorization and never ever shuffle the contents of buckets. Look at buckets as a post box into which an activity can be categorized and dropped but can never be taken out.
A typical example of falling into the pit hole – I pay my driver some money for his kid's school fees and at the time of giving the money I categorize it as charity
but may be some months I ask the driver to come on a Sunday and he refuses. I feel hurt recollecting that I helped but he is not helping me or I tell him so now, which is even worse.
To summarize – Help others by categorizing your actions and never change it after you have done it.
